Daily Orange beats UUTV 14-16
By Wordsmith From WhenceStaff Sculptor
Oh, from the opening salvo to the ending altercation, The Daily Orange football unit stared across the wintry topography and dominated, demoralized and decimated its foe, UUTV. Oh, and by the way, The D.O. scored two fewer points.
The Snake and The Stallion – known in lore as Anthony Mague and Eric Fontes – carried the day for the Newsprint Eleven, rushing for a combined 306 yards while vanquishing the Talking Heads’ will.
In the end, though, UUTV embraced its good fortune with a 16-14 victory, albeit one married to controversy. The game was played without referees, but if it was, they’d have certainly disallowed the pass interference call that led to UUTV’s first touchdown. They’d have also denied the resulting two-point conversion – a rollout pass from UUTV quarterback Sean Ries, who stepped over the line of scrimmage.
And perhaps most notably, an officiating presence might have prevented the final play from taking, oh, 20 or so minutes to transpire. Then, the game complete, all competitors shook hands … and spoke disparagingly about their opponents behind their backs.
‘Neh, they’re all talking heads anyway,’ D.O. tight end, linebacker and general menace Darryl Slater said. ‘Oh, wait, to be a talking head you have to be on television. I don’t think they’ve invented a term for an Internet talking head yet. The only thing that usually airs on RealPlayer1 involves Paris Hilton in various states of undress.’
Said UUTV center Louis Goldstein: ‘So, how much money was stolen from R.J. Anderson’s car? Yeah, real professional fact checking.’
After Ries’ two-point conversion (which was scored illegally), the teams were knotted at 8. That’s because, previously, The D.O. – noted for the myriad errors that sully its pages daily – forced an error on its opponent. The Stallion streaked by the RealPlayer1 Unit’s offensive line and forced Ries to fumble in the end zone, where D.O. trenchman Jeff Tiberii pounced on the pigskin for the game’s first touchdown.
The D.O. later procured a commanding lead with dash and dazzle that would have sparkled the eyes of the old ball coaches themselves, Ben Schwartzwalder and Bum Phillips and Papa Bear Halas. The Snake bootlegged sans garments around the right plank of defense and dove to paydirt. It was the game’s third touchdown – the second scored without blatant cheating.
The UUTV guys did manage one fair tally on a deft reverse call on fourth down – but it came with such chicanery, it would have shamed the old ball coaches.
‘If you need tricks to win, you ain’t really winning,’ Halas once said.
‘I’ll start usin’ them clunkers when the ball ain’t heavy no more,’ Phillips once said, cigar pinched between his lips.
‘XXX,’ Schwartzwalder said, pointing to his otherwise-bare white T-shirt.
But, oh, in the end of this snowy affair, it was the tricks and cheating of the Internet fellows that won them the game.
And, a bonus, this article won them more exposure than they’ve received all year – seems folks have an easier time of remembering TV stations when they’re actually on TV.
