D.O. vanquished in Naismith’s game
Oh, that old creaky unit that started stamping its typography into the tomes of history in nineteen hundred and three, well, it succumbed to the manacles of ignominy once more last night. WAER, the outfit that fills the airwaves of our humble burg with oft-used passages of speech and news flashes from National Public Radio, triumphed again over the Hacks from The Daily Orange, and they did it … for what it’s worth … by ye olde tally of 44-41 in the Teflon Encased Arena on the birch plateau of James Arthur Boeheim.
A last second basket toss by the spry swashbuckler from Sir Staten’s Very Own Isle refracted off the rectangular plane behind the iron hoop and bounded aside, ensuring another 12 months of bitterness for our Hill’s Hacks.
But, oh, there was no shame in the performance of that Michael Potter fellow, who displayed the silk styling that recounted the maneuvering of Gene Tunney on the night when that old time-worn pugilist danced and pranced around the canvas under the lights of a Detroit tannery.
The final count showed Potter had 12 points, and that’s not bad. But it failed to equal that of flame-haired D.O. assistant sports editor Michael Becker, who tried his hardest to make up for the absence of Eli Saslow by scoring 13 points. The sports editor emeritus Saslow – who, unlike other aged emeriti in our own gelid hamlet, never has a folding chair reserved for him next to The Head Guy’s court – left the ostentation of fellow hacks to sculpt elsewhere.
But back underneath the bubble, those vainglorious Talking Heads … who have robbed the D.O. guys of a sextuplet of victories since the Newsprint Five last tasted glory … stormed back from a 20-13 halftime deficit with a rousing refrain of orbital heaves from past the Tropic of Capricorn.
‘Neh,’ said senior, and sometimes staff writer Darryl Slater. ‘Those 3-pointers sailed through the air with more sensibility than the usual drivel-laden broadcasts ever do. But, as they would say, they did give 112.35 percent, left it all on the floor and hit many of the shots RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES!!!! … even though they were shooting a basketball not at a human being’s eyes, but rather, at a basketball hoop.’
Sandy Weintraub, whose mannerisms bring to mind a rabid parrot nesting on atop the old Ship of Barbary, displayed all the tenacity that will one day make him a very fine Director of Sporting Information. In approximately 50 seconds of playing time, Sanford corralled two Wilson-crafted air-filled capsules and afterwards stuck his finger in the air like Napoleon on the battlefield of victory, notifying his fellow hacks, ‘That’s hustle! That’s hustle!’
Daily Orange staff writer Anthony Mague showed equal vigor after a Talking Head guarded him with an unwarranted proximity, causing The Snake to hurl the leather orb of Naismith at said WAER player. Mague, who’s still very much a charm to be around, was forced to retreat to the bench of Samsonite folding chairs.
It was just another piece of another Daily Orange loss in the unfortunate coaching career of Hack headmaster Pete Iorizzo. He declined comment on the loss through his mysterious administrative assistant, Joseph Stokley.
His coaching manifesto, like a man with a duck on his head, is a strange and sorrowful sight. Iorizzo is now zero for three in such endeavors, including one defeat in the game with the pointed ball. Now he, like Keith Whitely sipping his final drop of Black Velvet, must drop from his position and leave the job for those … like me … who know a thing or two about basketball.
