It’s exam week here at Syracuse University, which indicates a lot of things.

The last week of school means that a whole summer of getting your brain good and empty for next year is just around the corner. It means Bird Library, not Theta Chi, is now the place where you are most likely to run into people who lived on your floor freshman year. It also means that you are roughly $40,000 smarter.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel $40,000 smarter. $40,000 lazier, maybe. $40,000 more alcoholic, definitely. But $40,000 wiser? No way.

The tangible intellectual progression in ‘higher education’ is lacking compared to all the other forms of ‘lower’ education we students have received through the years. At the end of third grade, for example, you could boast that you’d mastered how to perform long division. Upon the conclusion of middle school, chances are good you could confidently declare your handwriting had improved since your matriculation. At your high school graduation, you could take pride in your honed ability to memorize, not learn, information as well as the intimate knowledge of a variety of ways to ‘work together’ on tests. After my sophomore year of college, however, I’m unsure how to prove that I’ve spent the last two years becoming brighter and well-rounded.

My vocabulary hasn’t improved significantly. I think my mathematical dexterity has gotten worse. And while I am easily more adept at smuggling alcohol from place to place, I often fear my critical thinking, social development and personal growth have been deteriorating, not developing.

Apparently I’m not alone. Ilana Dubrovsky, a junior policy studies major, has been pondering the monetary versus intellectual value of her higher education lately too.

‘I’m ‘smarter’ in that I understand more about what’s going on in the world,’ she said. ‘It sure takes a lot of money to do that though.’

Here’s an idea: Let’s all drop out of school and read the newspaper every day. The New York Times costs 75 cents per issue. If purchased daily for four years, being informed about the world would cost $1,095. And I’d be willing to bet they have a subscription deal. Even if we all did become thousands of dollars more intelligent or ‘informed’ at the close of every academic year, how would we even know it? Measuring what you learn at college is like trying to measure air: You’re fairly confident it’s there, but you need a scientist to prove it.

Of course, the SU administration would have you believe that your education can not be measured in mere numeric dollars alone and that your high-priced college education encompasses more than just the lectures you sleep through and the labs you routinely skip. These are obviously lies. Elitist academic propaganda!

Alas, I will reveal to you the real reason our education here at SU is so expensive. It’s because of Gerry McNamara and Jim Boeheim. The inflation of prices of salt needed to keep sidewalks navigable during the winter is to blame. It’s all Mayfest’s fault and those yard guys who get paid to scrape away old grass and plant new grass on the Quad for no reason. We’re paying to attend to a fun, athletically competitive and aesthetically pleasing university! Scam!

So, see you guys in the fall.

Christine Bald is a sophomore international relations major whose columns appear on Tuesdays in the Feature section. You can e-mail her at cebald@syr.edu or post your comments on dailyorangeblog.com.

Published on May 1, 2006 at 12:00 pm