The key to seeing ‘The Covenant’ is to expect it to suck. Only then will the film about five decedents of a Massachusetts colony, who have inherited special ‘powers,’ cease to be a fantastic waste of two hours — two hours that could be spent in a variety of more productive ways, like napping.

The opening scene was promising enough. What better and more original way to open a film than sweeping shots of a high school party in a field? Bonfires, booze and cop chases-the staples of a successful high school career-were present in the first 10 minutes of ‘The Covenant.’ And then the rest of the movie started.

Life seems grand for the four ‘Sons of Ipswich’ until a fellow student is found dead in his car, apparently of a drug overdose. Caleb, the eldest of the four members of the covenant, immediately senses foul play and concludes another power-endowed teen is among them. After performing some espionage through the school’s admissions office, the insightful Caleb suspects Chase, a town newcomer and special-power addict.

As it turns out, the boys’ ‘powers’ are as addictive as the crack the producers must have been smoking to fork over the millions of dollars that were spent to tell the important tale that is ‘The Covenant.’

The lines in ‘The Covenant’ were, at their best, woefully lame (‘I’m here to protect you’) and offensively uncreative at their worst (‘Harry Potter can kiss my ass!’). At least half of the family history of the four warlocks and their ‘powers’ is explained to the audience through the actors’ dialogue-resulting in more than a few run-on sentences. (I use the term ‘actor’ very loosely here, as not much acting actually occurs. Though some characters did manage, on several occasions, to smile, frown and squint quite convincingly.) Even when they weren’t trying to verbally explain the plot, dialogue between the characters was lackluster, both in content and delivery. On the other hand, terms like ‘Wi-otch’ were coined, which I fully intend on incorporating into my everyday vocabulary.

But what ‘The Covenant’ lacks in dialogue, it makes up for in special effects. ‘The Covenant’ owes much to its CGI team, which created some pretty cool stuff with a Ford Mustang and gave the warlock protagonists magic powers enough to make Hermione Granger proud. And, like most college girls my age, I enjoyed all the parts when things exploded, caught fire or collided at high speeds.

It’s hard to be too tough on ‘The Covenant’ though, as it tries nobly to serve as an allegory for the dangers of teenage substance abuse. Too bad they overdosed on trying.

Published on September 7, 2006 at 12:00 pm