They say a kid becomes a man the day he gets married and starts supporting a family. It may be true. Or it might be total crap. I have no idea.
   
As of this weekend, however, I know for a fact that every kid stops being a boy the day he sees a beloved child actress from his youth in a hard-core sex scene as a grown woman.
   
Friday night I learned that lesson the hard way when my roommates and I hosted a group of University of Kentucky students who came to Syracuse University to watch their men’s basketball team play at the Carrier Dome. We were having a lively conversation in our common room when the topic of discussion somehow turned to classic movies from our childhoods.
   
Of course, it wasn’t long before one of us brought up ‘Little Giants,’ the hilarious 1994 flick about a group of rejects who challenge the local Pee Wee football team to a no-holds-barred, high stakes game in front of the whole town. Think ‘The Longest Yard’ on steroids. With kids.
   
Led by Becky ‘Icebox’ O’Shea, the linebacker who couldn’t join the Pee Wee team because she’s a girl, the lovable Little Giants shock the world with their dazzling array of creative plays (like the ‘Annexation of Puerto Rico’) pulling off the upset in what might be the greatest scene in the history of film. Bar none.
   
Now, the best part of a classic children’s movie like ‘Little Giants’ is that no matter how old you get, the child actors that made the movie great stay frozen in time because your mind will always remember them that way. At least, that’s what I thought.
   
Turns out, I remembered them that way up until the moment our houseguest tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Dude, check out Icebox in this sex scene.’
   
Right then and there I turned to the laptop on our coffee table and watched my childhood image of Becky O’Shea evaporate in a storm of thrusts, moans and mid-section gyrations.
   
Shawna Waldron, the actress that played ‘Icebox,’ also performs as a murderous vixen in the series ‘Poison Ivy,’ coming a long way from her cute-as-a-button preteen days in ‘Little Giants.’ As much as it pains me, I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t a super-hottie.
   
Still, no matter how many times I tell myself that Icebox is now a grown woman, I can’t help feeling dirty watching her ride some frat boy like a jockey.

Maybe it’s because deep down I’ll always remember her as a 12-year-old girl. Maybe I’m just angry she didn’t end up with the quarterback she was totally crushing on in ‘Little Giants.’

Then again, this could be just a phase that I’ll snap out of once Miley Cyrus releases her first sex tape. Whatever it was, the image of that beautiful woman scarred me.
   
I guess watching a part of my childhood grow into something completely different from what I remember is a disturbing reminder of the real-world realities lurking around the corner, waiting to pull me away from my childhood cocoon. After all, if Icebox is old (and limber) enough to do heavy sex scenes in a feature production, doesn’t that mean I’m old enough to get a job, or at least do some light sex scenes for a smaller production?
   
Age is a tricky subject, especially when it pertains to the transition from childhood to adulthood. It’s impossible to tell when a boy becomes a man, or when Icebox became a sex fiend. The best we can hope for is to face our adult lives with the maturity that comes with life experience, while maintaining the wonder that makes childhood so magical.
   
Unless the Little Rascals start doing porn, too. Then we’re all screwed.

Danny Fersh is a sophomore broadcast journalism major, and his column usually appears on Wednesdays. He wishes today’s column could be an April Fools’ Day joke, and can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu.

Published on March 31, 2010 at 12:00 pm