Humor : PDA is OK…if you warn people first
After spending last semester in Madrid, I came to realize that every culture has a different take on public displays of affection (PDA).
America trained me to think that any and all PDA is rude and improper. Spain, on the other hand, taught me that anything short of having sex wheelbarrow-style with three or more strangers — while on a metro car full of children — is perfectly acceptable.
So you can imagine my shock when, upon returning to this country, I witnessed hardcore PDA in the last place any American would expect to find it: on a football field. Between two players. During a game.
In the final seconds of the Pittsburgh Steelers’ 24-19 win over the New York Jets on Sunday, Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall jumped on teammate and quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to celebrate their team’s impending victory. Mendenhall then stayed on top of Roethlisberger, thrusting his pelvic region into the quarterback’s backside three times while yelling what we can only assume were sweet nothings into Roethlisberger’s ear.
On national television.
Now there’s nothing wrong with what Mendenhall did, why he did it or who he did it to. The only problem was the way he did it. Proper PDA requires some forewarning to prepare the audience members for what they’re about to see. If Mendenhall had the fans’ best interests at heart, he would have first shook Roethlisberger’s hand, given him a congratulatory butt-slap and then maybe taken him out to dinner before hopping on his back like a rodeo clown.
Instead, millions of viewers got completely blindsided by an image usually reserved for Animal Planet springtime specials.
Sure, that crap would fly in Spain, where images like that are often replayed on the news, educational programming, children’s cartoons, the Food Network, etc. But here in America, we have rules in place to prevent the public from sudden exposure to ‘Steelers Gone Wild.’ Until now, we’ve derived our own PDA code of ethics from an unwritten tradition passed down by word of mouth from our Puritan ancestors to present-day society.
That ends today. The scandal that took place Sunday in Pittsburgh (henceforth known as ‘Humpgate’) calls for immediate action. We need a clear set of written rules to govern our affections and how we display them in public. I’ve identified four policies that require immediate implementation:
1. Know your audience.
This one’s pretty simple. Be discreet and make sure that if you’re spotted, it’ll be by a complete stranger. The last thing anyone wants to hear while they’re making out is ‘Professor, I thought these were your office hours.’
2. Mind the children.
It’s crucial these impressionable little buggers learn proper etiquette from an early age. There’s a reason why Big Bird and Elmo’s unspoken love has remained unspoken all these years. Here’s hoping Dora and Diego stay ‘just friends.’
3. Beware of the great outdoors.
This one isn’t much of an issue here in Syracuse, but Mendenhall proved that even frigid temperatures can’t stand in love’s way all the time. Still, it’s probably best to make sure the open pasture you’re laying on is deserted and not a sold-out football stadium.
4. Keep the volume down.
This one’s pretty obvious, but it needs to be mentioned. Noise complaints are the reason Spain banned the wheelbarrow.
Danny Fersh is a junior broadcast journalism major. His column appears every Wednesday. He hopes you have a wonderful Hump Day. In the comforts of your own home. Or at least somewhere indoors. He can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu.
