Dear pretty girl in my lecture,

We’ve been sitting next to each other for 20 minutes now, but I feel like I’ve known you forever — or at least an hour.

Every time you gaze deep into my eyes with that look that says, ‘Stop staring at me, creep-boy,’ my heart skips a beat. I wish I could go back in time to before class so I could look you up on Facebook and friend you so fast it would make your pretty strawberry blonde hair curl into a bun.

Sadly, the world doesn’t give us second chances — not even for love. I can’t change the past, nor can I stop future events, such as the singing telegram I sent to your apartment for later tonight. (I hope you appreciate the flowers, candy and my handmade macaroni necklace.)

All I can do now is use the precious moments available to us as our professor drones on about that thing we were supposed to watch last night about the guy who — oh, who am I kidding? I didn’t watch it. I was too busy writing poems about your smile.

I would read you my prose right now, but you’re too busy participating in class. You’re so smart. I bet if I asked you a question about the course material, you would get the answer completely correct — right after you slap me for staring down your blouse.

Don’t worry, though. I’m perfectly content staring straight into your beautiful blue eyes and imagining the endless possibilities of our future together — in the form of a movie montage playing in my heart.

If this were a film, I would sweep you off your feet with my studly combination of Matthew McConaughey’s good looks, Denzel Washington’s charisma and John Stamos’ overall awesomeness. I would take you on breathtaking dates to places that open your eyes to a world you never thought possible.

We could go horseback riding on pristine beaches while I regale you with tales of my world travels and serenade you with a ukulele. Maybe we’d go dancing in a Tijuana nightclub while I show you more salsa skills than Tostitos ever could.

Unfortunately, this isn’t Hollywood. You’re going to have to settle for my awkward combination of Seth Rogen’s looks, McLovin’s charisma and Michael Cera’s overall mediocrity. Maybe after class we could go to Chuck’s.

Regardless, love will conquer all. I might not have as much money, fame or teeth as Brad Pitt, but what I lack in those areas I can more than make up for with my high-pitched singing voice, Quidditch talent and accordion skills.

I know what you’re thinking: ‘Can this guy really be in love with me when we met only minutes ago?’ You’re probably also wondering, ‘Is this the same guy who put a personal ad in The Daily Orange for Valentine’s Day?’

The answer to both your questions is yes.

If you’re like every other girl, you’ll probably walk away right now, laughing hysterically while reaching for the pepper spray in your purse as a precaution. But why not be original? Stay a while! We can chat a little, flirt some more and salsa all the way to your next class. I even brought macaroni.

I hope this letter shows you just how perfect we are for each other. If you feel the same way I do, then we’ve got it all figured out.

Forever yours,

Danny

P.S. What’s your name?

Danny Fersh is a junior broadcast journalism major, and his columns appear every Wednesday. His macaroni necklaces are one size fits all for any lady who desires them. Danny can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu.

Published on February 15, 2011 at 12:00 pm