Humor : Look for love in all the right places — I’m up here, ladies
This year for Valentine’s Day, I have a special girl in mind. She’s smart and sexy, and every weeknight she tells me amazing news — as long as I turn her on before it’s too late.
Unfortunately, Katie Couric hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. So I’ll have to find myself a Valentine’s Day date using Plan B: buying a personal ad on a dating website.
Unfortunately, I have no money to pay for a personal ad. So I’ll have to find myself a Valentine’s Day date using the column inches available to me free of charge in today’s Daily Orange.
If you’re a single(ish) woman between 18 and 55years old, stand4 feet 10 inchesto6 feet 4 inches tall, weigh between one and two Olsen twins, andarewilling to experiment with tantric yoga and interfaith gambling — keep reading. If not, put the newspaper down and calmly walk away. You want nothing to do with this:
Dating Profile #231678: @Fersh_Prince
Basic info: I’m a 20-year-old junior broadcast journalism major at Syracuse University. I’m 5 feet 10 inches tall and weigh 155 pounds. I have brown hair, brown eyes, broad shoulders and a smile that says, ‘I´m too afraid to look down, but I hope I´m wearing pants.’ Born and raised in Bethesda, Md.,I have three siblings, two parents and one Cal Ripken bobblehead doll that agrees with everything I say.
Likes: Food, sports, bears, dogs (if properly trained), kids (if properly cooked), Harry Potter, John Stamos, sharks, turtles, ninjas, ninja turtles, ‘Beverly Hills Ninja,’ ‘Beverly Hills Cop,’ ‘The Beverly Hillbillies,’ Beverly Cleary, long walks on the beach, short sprints at the pool, water, fights, water fights, gasoline fights, the Baltimore Orioles, the Washington Redskins, Otto the Orange, frisbee golf, NicolasCage, Matthew McConaughey, Celine Dion and North Dakota.
Dislikes: South Dakota, ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ Derek Jeter, Edward Cullen, laughing hyenas, somber hyenas, low-carb diets, hybrid cars, Justin Bieber and all Bieber-related products, eating salad at a steakhouse, eating steak in a salad, eating salad, BlackBerries, Chuck Berry, Barry White, white Russians, Russian roulette, Chatroulette, the Dallas Cowboys, the Dillon Panthers, Brett Favre and Voldemort.
About me: When I was a kid, my parents used to tell me, ‘Danny, one day you’ll find a woman who thinks you’re cute enough to tie your shoelaces for you. Until then, you’re wearing Velcro.’ Nearly three years later, I’m still looking for that special someone who will laugh with me when things are going well, hold me when they aren’t and help me put on my big-boy boots during all the times in between.
I know you’re out there somewhere, even if you’re too scared to admit it — or to lift your restraining order on me. Sure, your friends might think you’re crazy. And yeah, it might be tough to find some privacy with an E-list celebrity like myself, but I know we can make it work. So if you’re out there, give me a call, shoot me an e-mail, send me a telegram, use a carrier pigeon, shout at me on the street or light the beacon of Gondor, and I’ll do the rest. Don’t worry — if things don’t work out between us, I’ve always got Katie Couric. As soon as she returns my phone call.
Danny Fersh is a junior broadcast journalism major, and his column appears every Wednesday. He would like to thank his relationship counselor, Abram, for his help on this article. If you’d like to go on a date with Danny, contact him at dafersh@syr.edu. If not, seek therapy.
