It’s a little bit difficult to complain about this year’s choice of commencement speaker when he has been named one of the most influential people in the world by Time magazine and his scientific research has literally allowed our modern-day understanding of the human genome. Even if you have no idea what that means, assume it’s really important.

But all the same, I really don’t care. There was a rumor going around that Bob Saget would be selected as our commencement speaker. He would’ve been great. Didn’t you watch ‘Full House’? His character loved hugs, cleaning and conflict resolution. What better life lessons could you ask for out of a commencement speech?

The main problem with announcing J. Craig Venter as your commencement speaker to other people is that it’s just so anticlimactic.

Me: J. Craig Venter is going to be my commencement speaker!

My mom: What’s a J. Craig Venter?

Alrighty then.

SU has recently taken on the initiative to create a greener campus. Asking a scientist such as Venter, who has advanced the area of biofuels, to be the commencement speaker obviously makes sense in the green scheme of things. But maybe in about 10 years. By then, the whole green thing will have really taken off. Trees will be our friends and such. And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for saving the environment, but let’s be honest here: The Class of 2011 wasn’t really that green.

Our freshman year, the dining halls gave out non-reusable Styrofoam containers. And the original Poland Spring bottles still existed. And SU had become obsessed with becoming carbon neutral.

Our commencement speaker should be someone more representative of our class. Someone with lots of street cred, maybe a rapper. Snoop Dogg? Or some other widely appealing public figure, such as Martha Stewart. She’s been to jail, but our moms still like her, too. Rutgers University recently brought in Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’ to speak to its students. She advised them to ‘work hard, but party harder.’ Any of these people make for legitimate choices. Plus, Venter already spoke at the Life Sciences Complex dedication in 2008. Let’s give someone else a chance.

A commencement speaker should be someone everyone knows. It should even be someone controversial. Jamie Dimon was both of these things. And you can hate on him all you want, but he makes a decent amount of money — you know, just enough to get by — and as we all know, money is the answer to everything.

I can easily respect and admire Venter’s various achievements in the world of science. I’m sure I would be happy to learn all about him in a biology class, write up a book report on his work, do an oral presentation on his life and all that fun stuff. But that literally just equates my commencement speaker, the individual who will be imparting SU’s final words of wisdom onto me, to every other boring rando I’ve had to read about throughout the past four years of classes. Selling yourself a little short there, SU, no?

I know I’m not the first to say this, I know many disagree, and I know many others couldn’t care less either way, but as far as commencement goes — SU is totally not winning.

Marina Charny is a senior English and textual studies and writing major. Her column usually appears every Monday. She can be reached at mcharny@syr.edu.

Published on April 2, 2011 at 12:00 pm