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College is known for being four years of self-discovery and experimentation. If you find yourself in a relationship and then a subsequent break-up, the opportunity to learn about yourself becomes harder and way more intense.

Breakups are incredibly hard, no matter the circumstances. Whether it was the result of cheating, long distance or even mutual fallout, they still suck. I just came out of an eight-month relationship, and it’s left me struggling to remember who I am.

I met my former boyfriend on my first day at Syracuse University after returning from my freshman fall semester abroad. Everything moved extremely quickly, and we started dating within the month.

For many, a relationship in college means spending every day together and filling any gaps with texting and calling. I’d very suddenly lost all of this, and I felt extremely alone in filling the void. I was single for the first time in a real college setting, and I had a lot of free time.

Even though my friends were there for me, it felt like there was an insurmountable distance between us. After learning to be vulnerable in my relationship, letting another person know everything about me, I struggled to truly let my friends in, furthering my feelings of isolation.

My instinct was to ball up in my bed all day, every day. I wanted to skip class and stay home. This can be comforting when you are feeling immensely sad. It’s important to give yourself time to process the whirlwind of feelings that come, but after a little bit, you need to get up and find community.

During my breakup, I had to push myself out of my comfort zone. I knew that forcing myself to open up to my friends again was the only way to bridge the gap I felt from my life.

Coming into a new environment and immediately jumping into a relationship meant that when it ended, I had almost no sense of who I was at SU. I didn’t feel like the person I loved, who was social, outgoing and excited to be in the world. My friends didn’t recognize that side of me anymore either, and that hurt even more than the breakup.

I knew I had to bring back that version of myself. It was hard to balance everything the relationship taught me about myself while honoring everything I gave up for it.

I had to learn to go out again, dress up and talk to new people because I no longer had a boyfriend to fall back on when I felt lonely. I tried to remember what I liked doing before, and discovered I really enjoy being single.

I know now the foundation for any relationship going forward is spending time with myself and making intentional efforts to maintain my independence.

To love yourself before loving anyone else is a cliche many of us hear, but it really is necessary. If you can’t enjoy downtime when your significant other isn’t around, then the relationship will never work. I also learned my plans shouldn’t depend on those around me. If I’m really excited to do something, I should do it, even if my boyfriend or friends can’t.

Learning to be on my own again has given me a chance to redevelop all my friendships that seemed so hard to balance in a relationship, and also rediscover so many amazing aspects of myself.

If you’re going through a breakup, I’m not saying you need to go to the club or bar to move on, but you should leave the security of your room. There are so many people to talk to and lean on in such an emotional time, and the only way to do that is to go out and meet them. Through discovering other people, you also discover yourself.

Helena Sauriat is a sophomore majoring in journalism and history. She can be reached at hrsauria@syr.edu.

Published on November 5, 2025 at 9:16 pm